she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
