So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
