Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
