The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
