mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
