i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
