I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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