You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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