You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
