I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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