Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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