just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
