Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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