im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
