He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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