I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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