I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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