You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
