Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize