If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
