I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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