Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
