***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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