just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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