My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
