my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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