My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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