his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
