just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
