so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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