Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
