i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
