Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
