so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
