I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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