3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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