We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
