I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
