I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
