Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think my moral compass just broke
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
