I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
