I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
