theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
