There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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