Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
