Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
