Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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