Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
