Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
