I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
