did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
