Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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