It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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