well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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