i would punch a child for taco bell
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
