Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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