Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
