I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
