I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
