Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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