My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
