It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
