Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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