1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My hand turned me down
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
