Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
