She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
